Come Feed the Rain

From: Sgt. Karrin Murphy <kmurphy@si.chicagopd.com>
To: Thomas Raith <godofcologne@livejournal.com>

Subject: You owe me…

Thomas –

Harry stormed in this morning, threw a piece of paper at me, and ran off before he managed to completely fry my computer. As it is, you owe me: a new cell phone, a new radio, and repairs on the office copier. You may also want to start saving up, because if even half of what his letter (attached) is saying is true, you are going to owe me at least one computer and maybe a new car.

The SI guys have cooled a little on your show, so take heart that you are now only occasionally a laughingstock around Chicago PD. Harry gave up altogether sometime around the second week’s worth of episodes. I still watch, for research purposes, since there are more kinds of you than even Harry knew and God knows SI could use every advantage it can get out there. Harry asks about whatever dumbassery you’ve gotten up to, and I tell him, most of the time. The thing with your sister and that pompous ass from St. Louis though… I didn’t tell Harry that one, figured you wouldn’t want him to go burning your family home to the ground.

There have been some interesting tidbits coming off the internet about your show, Thomas. The fact that you and your little harem seem to drop off the grid has fans turning detective, and some of what they’re claiming to have found is… concerning. I won’t ask about hotel rooms; trust me, I do NOT want to know. But there’s been some hidden camera footage leaks from a nightclub.

Thomas. Heroin is illegal. Just saying.

Try keeping yourself out of trouble,
Karrin

*****

Thomas –

Just talked to Bob. You’ve managed to get your idiot self roped into the priesthood of some ascending mad goddess?! You IDIOT. Seriously, you MORONIC IDIOT. Do we remember how bad Arctis Tor was?! And Mab is only a demigod. You are going to get your ass KILLED if you stay. I told you Drusilla wasn’t Justine. And now she’s a budding goddess. One who can probably KILL YOU just by looking at you. Damn it all Thomas. I can’t come hauling you out of this one.

Get OUT.
Harry

PS – Where did you take Bob? He’s been a gibbering idiot for days, and keeps talking about glittery lesbians.

From: Thomas Raith <godofcologne@livejournal.com>
To: Sgt. Karrin Murphy <kmurphy@si.chicagopd.com>

Subject: Re: Worried about you

Karrin,

You're worried about me? I'm flattered, but I hope you'll keep it our little secret. I wouldn't want Harry to get jealous. As for Harry getting antsy, it's client confidentiality. Don't worry, I'm not going to drag Harry into any trouble, and I'm not planning on getting into anything big either. I just needed him to do some research for me into the spooky stuff.

If you could send me the rest of my gear, I would really appreciate it. I'm not looking for trouble, but the housemates are significantly more powerful than me. A little insurance wouldn't hurt.

Thomas

PS - Are you kidding? The teen set is terrifying enough. I'm staying as far away from the wannabe cougar set as possible.


*****

From: Thomas Raith <godofcologne@livejournal.com >
To: Alice Cullen <projectrunwayrules445@sparklecullen.com>

Dearest Alice,

Any favour you want is yours.

Thomas

PS - I hope you two enjoy my little present. Tell Jasper I hope it'll keep him entertained until I get my hands on a copy of the infrared camera footage from your visit.

*****

Dear Vlad,

Have you been sneaking around my bookcase? It's on Edward's bed. And thanks for the boxers. I have a feeling they'll come in handy. You and Alice really should coordinate a visit together. It'll be fun.

Thomas

From: Sgt. Karrin Murphy <kmurphy@si.chicagopd.com>
To: Thomas Raith <godofcologne@livejournal.com>

Subject: Updates from the front; also, Harry needs you

Thomas,

Stallings wants me to thank you for helping him win the office betting pool, though he says he feels sorry for security at that mall you went to. Must have made them go blind with that stunt in the store. Not much more news in Chicago. I'm sure your employees are keeping you updated. I swear they play the same 10 songs all day in your salon; no matter when I drop by they're always the same.

Just a warning, Harry gave me a letter to send you, figuring it would be faster than if he tried to mail it. I've typed it up and attached it. Can't say I blame him; you need to slow down. But just a warning, the lights in the office flickered and the copier died a noisy, toner-spewing death when Harry came by to drop off the letter.

Take care, and don't hurt anyone,
Karrin


Attachment:

Thomas -

Hell's freakin' bells, what are you doing?! I'm not talking about becoming That Guy in reality TV shows (or at least that's what your employees are telling me you are), the one who sits around all day shirtless and drinking. I'm talking about the feeding. Just because they're vampires doesn't mean it's get out of jail free for you, idiot. You feed on them, they kill more people because of you. Hell's bells. And that's not even mentioning the fact that you're letting them feed on you.

You KNOW what the Red Court's venom does. You get addicted, and you get stupid. And don't even get me started on the Black Court's chewing habits. Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells, Thomas. Have you completely lost your mind?! You're letting other vampires, blood sucking vampires, feed from you. They're stronger than you, they're faster. I don't care if you've got them half out of their minds wanting into your pants, Thomas, this is such a bad idea. In fact, just get your white court ass back to Chicago.

I was going to say something about Drusilla, but I don't even have the words. Hell's bells. I am NOT coming up there to rescue you if you decided to turn yourself into a Renfield or a blood bag or anything of the sort. You hear me? I AM NOT COMING TO RESCUE YOU.

And if you die, I get your car.

Harry

From: Thomas Raith <godofcologne@livejournal.com>
To: Sgt. Karrin Murphy <kmurphy@si.chicagopd.com>

Subject: What Did I Get Myself Into?

Karrin -

I'm sure you've already watched the first episode of this show, so you know just what a bunch of lunatics I'm stuck in a house with. Tell me, did Harry watch it with you, or is he refusing to acknowledge it exists? And if the former, I hope he didn't blow out your TV. But seriously, they're trying to keep us from 'outside influences' so I don't have too much time to write you (and I doubt SI would be happy about making it onto national cable TV). I slipped away while the girls and Edward were drinking, figuring the camera crew would be too busy filming those hysterics to watch over my shoulder. Given the amount of hilarity I'm hearing, it was a good guess.

Not much to report, but I have a favor to ask. The next time you stop by the Coiffure Cup (don't look at me like that, I know you like coming for a haircut from one of the girls), can you do me a favor and arrest them all for signing me up for this madhouse? You'd think 30 odd years of dealing with people and my crazy family would be enough to keep me from going nuts reading emotion, but damn. These vampires are worse than anything we have back home. The (real) Frenchmen are as catty and bitchy as the Gold Coast wives, and Edward is the most prudish, emotionally unstable virgin I've ever seen. I'm either going to start popping aspirin like it's candy or have a breakdown. So... just get the girls for me.

And since we know Harry's compete inability to use email, I've attached a letter for him. Can you print it out and give it to him? You might want to stand back when he reads it though. He's liable to blow out the power grid.

Seething at my girls,
Thomas


Attachment:

Harry,

Not much to tell. Wish you were here to get laid. Thought I'd give you a heads up about a den of Red or Black Court vamps in St. Louis. They seem legit, but they've got fangs in the SLPD. You'll probably have to watch out for that. 

Other than that, I'm doing my best to send Lara and the rest of my dear family into apoplexy. And if you get the chance, will you have Ramirez (or Elaine for that matter) check out the Pacific Northwest? There seems to be a den of glittering vampires there. Not sure how the hell it works, but figured you'd want to give Ramirez the heads-up just in case dead show up in his backyard.

xoxo,
Thomas